I went out with some friends this past weekend for a girls night out. I happened to think of another thing my husband once said to me, and it makes me mad just thinking about it. When we were trying to conceive(we were never successful) he actually said to me, well, we know it's not me, I have a son (from a previous relationship, they were never married, and his son is an adult now, early 20s). How cruel! And before I move out, when I suggested his son and girlfriend and two kids move in with him, so he wouldn't be alone, he said he didn't think he could live with small children running around the house. What did he think would happen had we been successful? So his heart had never been in actually been in trying to have a baby with me. I need to stop reflecting and digging, I think, because the more I find, the angrier I get, or maybe just try to remember these things when the going gets tough or he tries playing on my sympathies or I start to feel lonely. I have 40% of my retainer saved up. I have to keep moving, before I lose momentum.
My mood: a bit stormy
I was reflecting on my marriage, and what went wrong, what I did, what he did. The best I can come up with is a tired overused cliché. Our relationship was like a sickly pony, even from the beginning. I thought I could nurture it and bring it back to health. My husband never helped me take care of it. I though things would change after we got married. Surely he would help me take care of it then. Time passed, and I was still the only one taking care of the pony. I tried to nurture it and get it back to health, but it became more and more sickly, until it couldn't walk anymore. I picked it up and carried it on my back. I should have spoken up and said my needs were not being met the horse was ill and we needed help. November of 2011, I put the pony back on the ground. It couldn't stand up by itself. It may have been dead at that point, it may have died on my back, but I still didn't realize it. May 2012, the pony hasn't moved since I put it down. Something is wrong. July 2012, I finally realized it was dead. Told my husband it was dead. He did not believe me. September 2012, he realizes it's dead, but would like to continue to beat the dead horse. If I just tried, one more time, and reached out my hand and met him halfway, then maybe we could get a new horse and surely this time it would be different. By then, my feelings had changed, I no longer felt connected or in love with my husband, and if I was going to get a new horse, it would be a live one and with someone else. So I chose not to beat the dead horse, and moved out at the beginning of the year. I know it's a worn cliché, but oh so appropriate.
Just saw another friend who hadn't seen me since my separation, another person who says, you seem more yourself! I didn't realize how much I twisted myself into someone else to make my marriage work. Which means it really wasn't working for me. Today was the last day on my cell phone plan with my STBX. A friend helped me wipe it clean. So bizarre, not sure if I got everyone I needed to with my new number, but it will work out. Now my only phone is the cell phone I bought in December. It's weird that this is a milestone for me, not sure why it bugged me, after all, I have a new phone. Maybe it was because he wanted to cancel the phone so he could save money. Always nickel and diming me, but at least he gave me warning as to when he was cancelling the plan, he could have just cancelled. I should be studying, but instead I am online blogging. Dinner was fast food, now my stomach's upset, I keep forgetting that's why I don't eat junk food. Blech. Another co-worker knows about the separation. I have tried not to tell anyone, as my STBX and I both work at the same place. Again, not judged. It was pretty awesome. One of the reasons I didn't leave sooner than I did was that I didn't want to be seen as the "bad guy" for wanting to end the marriage. I would look up sites in support of leaving your marriage and really couldn't find any, they were all about saving your marriage, or advice to try harder, or telling you not to leave as it was too traumatic, try everything before giving up. In my opinion, if you know you are beating a dead horse, why not end it quickly? The horse will still be dead, even if you try other strategies. I eventually made the decision to accept that role or make peace with that role, of the bad guy, if people were to judge me, and say yes, I chose to end a relationship I didn't want to be in anymore. I feel I missed many red flags, had I not been drinking so heavily and so accommodating(co-dependent to his narcissist, I guess)and had I listened to my gut instincts I maybe could have made better choices, and not wasted the past 8 years of my life, with someone who told me, but I thought I could change, that he didn't want to get married, but by marrying me, that was his compromise. I think divorce is difficult, but I realized last year that I had disconnected, I no longer loved my husband, in order to make it work it would have to start over from scratch, and I didn't want to do that. I felt like I had tried, but I had nothing left to give the relationship.
My mood: a bit irritated
Got the rest of my stuff out, so bizarre, it was unreal. Visiting the house was hard, my STBX had completed several projects that had gone uncompleted for the whole time I lived there. Kind of made me mad, a friend said, well, maybe he was trying to show you he can change. Yeah, change when I throw a tantrum(leaving), not when I asked, begged or pleaded. But I leave, everything is getting done and accomplished. Is that what it takes to get him to take me seriously? That's what if feels like/ felt like. None of my concerns where addressed during our relationship. I remember him saying at one point, well maybe I just needed a fire lit under my ass. But that's not my job, to go around lighting fires to get stuff done. A relationship shouldn't be that hard. Just trying to get a garbage can for the kitchen, or change the heat in the winter shouldn't be a struggle/argument. (yes, I couldn't even turn the a/c on when I was roasting in the summer.) Those should be the easy things, I'm pretty sure. A former neighbor called, to tell me how much she liked having me as a neighbor. Tore me up inside. Felt like I was the "bad guy" for leaving. I guess I could go back, and just "outsource" all the bad parts, but that would be pretty much everything. So that's a no go. I sometimes wonder if I moved too fast, but I don't think moving slower would have changed the outcome, still don't love him, still not attracted to him. The hard part is letting mutual friends know we are separated. On the other hand, when I share that I am separated, some people open up and share their stories, and offer encouragement. That is pretty awesome.
My mood: a bit emotional
I've never written in a blog before, sorry if my thoughts seem disjointed. Tomorrow I start back to work, after missing a week due to flu, then bronchitis. It's so funny, I think it was the universe asking me to slow down. I have made so many changes in my life recently, the biggest being I moved out and separated from my husband almost a month ago. I will refer to him as my STBX, as I do not feel connected to him as my husband anymore. My co-workers were concerned, even my boss was not angry with me when I called in, they just wanted me to feel better. Odd, how since I moved out and left my husband, people have checked on me, been nicer to me, been more understanding. I've been told how well I look(excluding flu week). Maybe it's just coincidence, but I'll take it. I have started to let people help me, if they offer. It's so nice. I see an attorney on Tuesday. My STBX did not want me to move out, but I know it was the right thing for me. I wish we were already divorced. I wish we had never gotten married. I wish I would have seen all the red flags as red flags, I wish I hadn't changed my self trying to make the relationship work. I wish I had stopped drinking earlier.I still have a few things left back at the house, but that's it. I know it's over. I wish he could let me go, agree to the dissolution and be done. I wish he would find someone he's more compatible with. I thought he would change, ha! Famous last thoughts. He changed, after I said I wanted a separation, I was already disconnected. I was accused of not trying, but I guess the five years of marriage don't count as trying.
My mood: pretty recumbent
Previous Postsand anotther thing, posted March 19th, 2013
I'm not going to beat a dead horse, posted March 10th, 2013
last day on the family plan, posted February 28th, 2013
Crazy, posted February 19th, 2013
Back to work, posted February 3rd, 2013
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